Long time, no update, and I apologize! I guess this is the downside to having a blog about your anxiety; when it goes away, you have nothing to say. Well, I have a little rant.
I was talking to someone in my life about my diagnoses, along with back story to my childhood and how I was first diagnosed. It progressed in to this person telling me that “if I don’t think negatively about my diagnoses, why think about them at all?”
Uh oh.
I’ve mentioned before how when people tell me to “knock it off” or to “get over it”, that it sends me into a rage. My response is always “well, if I could control my thoughts and feeling like that, why start them in the first place?” This is true, why would I if I knew I had the power to turn them off at any second? Also, why hide my issues? I’m not ashamed of my depression, my anxiety, my BDD, so why hide them? I don’t run around bragging about them, but I don’t lock them away either. Why not use my understanding to help shed more light on the subject of mental illness? It’s not harming anyone, heck, it may even help someone. I do not own a thought switch, I cannot turn off any thought I wish (well, when it comes to my issues I can’t), so why tell someone do to something like that? I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want pity, I’d just like some understanding so you can better understand me so I won’t turn your life into chaos when I eventually have another panic attack. Don’t tell me you’re sorry about my issues, just tell me you understand.
This was short and all over the place, I apologize. Hopefully what I said made sense?
Asked by Anonymous
Hi, I don’t mind anon at all!
I have one negative thought ritual and that is knocking on wood. I do it twice every night before I sleep and repeat a little phrase along with the knocking. If I don’t have anything wooden near me, I tap on my head and mask it as me scratching my head. I also carry around a little wooden pencil in my purse that I tap on, no one can tell I’m doing it!
Asked by theonlypinksheep-deactivated201
It’s taken some time for me to be able to be comfortable with myself. I’m still very paranoid about how people perceive me but you know what, who cares? I do hold back some when I first meet people, but once I feel comfortable around them I show them who I really am because if they want to be in my life, they need to accept me for who I am. It sounds cliche, but it’s the honest truth. I try to shut out the paranoid “what is everyone thinking?” right now thoughts and if they do pop up, I go somewhere by myself, like the bathroom, for a few minutes to calm down.
Seeing as I’ve been getting a lot more followers , I’ve been getting a lot of questions. I try to answer as many as I can and as quickly as I can but sometimes I feel bad flooding people’s dashboards with questions/answers, so here’s what I was thinking.
If you have a question, about anything, submit it to me and I’ll answer 5-6 questions in a video. I may make this a weekly thing, depends on how I feel about it/the types of questions that I get. I feel like it will be an interesting way to approach things and may be a little more intimate than just typed words. So, if you have a question, submit! I have a few video-appropriate questions in my inbox right now so if I get a few more within the hour, I may just make a video today to test things out.
Asked by alienair
I’m glad people are able to relate to all of this. Well, not glad in a “I’m glad you feel the same way I do” way, but in a “thank god I’m not alone” way.
Asked by breatheouttheanxiety-deactivate
Absolutely!
Asked by der-anged
I’m really happy to hear that my ramblings make you feel less alone, I really am.
Everyone thinks they’re the odd one out and that’s completely okay. Not everyone vocalizes it, but I bet you almost everyone has had that feeling at least once in their life. Have you ever tried to write down your thoughts as they happen? I highly suggest it, even if you do it privately.
This Is Yesterday by Manic Street Preachers
“Do not listen to a word I say, just listen to what I can keep silent.”
I had a bit of an emotional breakdown today. I know it was because I was holding in thoughts and negative emotions and it all piled up in to one big disgusting emotion that is yet to be named. I need to stop doing that, but like I’ve said before, I can’t verbally express when I have an issue. I feel like an awful person when I air out my negative emotions to people; I’d much rather be the listener than the talker. I was desperate for someone to talk to so I started to text people. I didn’t call because I figured if I am going to start expressing my emotions, I need to do it in baby steps so I don’t scare myself off from the idea. A lot of people were at work so they couldn’t talk, but two people were there to talk to me and I thank them so, so much. I know I’ll be apologizing to them for a while because to me I was being annoying and dragging them in to my issues. Once again, sorry you guys, don’t hate me.
I feel better, in the sense that I’m laughing and able to focus on things that aren’t my problems, but deep down I’m still really upset. I need to go out with someone and have a drink and just let it all out, I really need that and if you’d like to be that person, let me know. The thing is I can’t really specifically name what’s bothering me, I can name maybe one or two things, but there is more. I feel out of control, yet in control. I feel like my life is a tangled string, going in a lot of directions, and I crave to straighten that string out. I guess life is meant to be like a tangled string, if it wasn’t we’d all have what we want, be what we want, and know what we have. I’ve been through this feeling before, it will go away and it will come back, I just need to sort of make that tangled string be less of a mess so I can get some stuff done. Wish me luck, you guys.
I’ll share with you a song that I’ve always loved and seems rather fitting for how I’m feeling and for some reason always puts me in a good mood, “This Is Yesterday” by Manic Street Preachers.
I feel like I’ve strayed from the “Beth’s Got Issues!” part of this blog and just started to rant in here. Is that okay? No? Yes? Maybe? Let’s focus on my AvPD, shall we?
- “Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection”
I need to talk to someone about something, but it could end in rejection. I hold back from so much due to my extreme issues with rejection. It kills me, I would say it “literally kills me” but, it literally does not, but it does hurt…a lot. I hold everything in and when I feel ready to talk about it with that person, I shut down. I cannot speak to them about it. I then hold those feelings in for longer, after they’ve intensified after the lack-of-communication episode, and I feel like I’m rotting away from within. This can be anything from talking to a boss to talking to a guy to asking a favour from a friend. My stomach right now feels like a swamp (but that could also be the cigarettes, beer, and potato chips) and I need it to go away. I need to push myself past the “what-if?” of rejection and fucking suck it up. What will I get done in life if I shelter myself from any sort of hurt? Not a whole lot.
- “Severe low self-esteem”
Let’s not get started on this one, oh ho ho. I felt pretty today, there, something positive.
- “Mistrust of others”
I trust no one. No one. It’s not my fault, I’m sorry. I am so paranoid of others and their actions that I cannot form trust. Occasionally I can form something similar to trust, I just see it as “oh I stopped being paranoid about them, cool”. People assume that I get offended easily if they make a joke in my behalf, but I don’t. I’m not offended, I just worry that what you’re joking about isn’t a joke, it’s a real thought that you have about me and you’re just using the whole “look, it’s a joke about you” format to express how you feel. I don’t trust how anyone feels about me. You can tell me every second of the day that you like me and I will still feel like you don’t.
Can I just break down for one second here? I want this to be a positive blog but, this is my space to vent my emotions and damnit I will. I’m so scared about how people perceive me after reading this, honestly. I don’t want to come off as those three words I refuse to use; I am not. I tell my followers who come to me with “I feel like no one will love/accept me” that people will and do love and accept them. I honestly mean those words, I do not say what I don’t mean. To me, no one will or can love or accept me, that is a personal feeling and view. I feel like my “issues” put up a wall between me and other people. I feel like no guy would ever be willing to deal with the baggage that I come with; that eats at me every single day.
There are a few people who read this blog who I know in real life and I sort of wish they didn’t because I don’t want to scare them off. If you know me in real life and have read this, please let me know. I feel the need to express this further with you. It will help me greatly.
I’m running on three hours of sleep so I have no idea if any of this makes sense or what I’ll regret writing in the morning. Maybe in the morning I’ll address the issue I first wrote about.
